Ekleksographia: Wave Four: The Performance Issue

Ventriloquist Sex

A Dark Comedy

Ah, Sun-flower! weary of time,
Who countest the steps of the Sun,
Seeking after that sweet golden clime,
Where the traveller's journey is done...
--William Blake, "Ah! Sun-flower"

Nothing is understood. But some things are felt. If one understands a story it's just that it's been told badly.
--Bertolt Brecht, Baal

SETTING

August, 2002. The scenes take place in an Alaskan cruise ship; in the Golden Nugget Bar in Ketchikan, Alaska; in a tent; and in limbo. The set should be abstract so that there is little (if any) down time in between scenes.

CHARACTERS**

BILL (a ventriloquist)

MEL (British cruise ship singer)

ROSE (transgendered person, m-to-f)

CINDY (performer in a live sex show/performance artist)

RALPH (performer in a live sex show; German)

IDA (itinerant factory worker; Native American)

GEORGE (junkie)

FROSTY (cowboy in a cowboy hat)

RONNY (played by a ventriloquial figure, not a human)

**NOTE: Ventriloquist Sex was written for three actors. One actor plays BILL and also manipulates and provides the voice for RONNY, BILL'S ventriloquial figure. The two other actors play several characters.

PART I

PROLOGUE

(Carnival music plays. Consider playing a prerecorded quote, such as the following spoken by George W. Bush: "We must take the battle to the enemy, disrupt his plans. And confront the worst threats before they emerge." Carnival music stops.)

ALL

(The actor who plays FROSTY, playing an accordion, banjo, or guitar, is joined by the actors playing CINDY and BILL. During the song, the audience sees each actor begin to become his/her initial character. "The Pinocchio Song.")

There once was a boy named Pinocchio,

Who thought that life should be fun,

So he ran away to the carnival,

Where his days were almost undone.

Pinocchio disobeyed his master,

So his nose, it grew and grew,

He nearly became a jackass,

An exhibit in a zoo.

Now you must walk away from pleasure,

Put your life on an even keel,

Get up, go to work; always say, "Yes, sir!"

'Cause submission is what makes you real.

(The following verses are optional.)

Pinocchio pulled himself back up,

He started working for a wage,

He obeyed his dad and teacher,

Kept himself out of a cage.

Pinocchio learned the hard way,

That in life there's only one decision,

To always respect authority,

Through somethin' called submission.

You must walk away from pleasure,

Put your life on an even keel,

Get up, go to work; always say, "Yes, sir!"

'Cause submission is what makes you real.

(BLACKOUT.)

FROSTY

Howdy, folks... Good evenin'. Let's try that one more time... Good Evenin'! How y'all doin' out there? You know, y'all takin' the time to come out here to see me tonight, why...it makes me prouder n' a roadrunner with a fresh-caught rattler... I mean, y'all...y'all got me walkin' around up here like...like a dog had just done pissed on my off leg... But I'll tell you folks, we got our work cut out for us. Yessirree, Bob. Why this mornin' I was readin' in the paper that one out of every three people has an unstable personality... One out of every three people is mentally unstable. Now, from what I been seein', I can believe that. And I think I can prove it to y'all. Here's what I'd like you to do... Take a look at the person to your right... (pause) Now look at the person to your left... Do they seem all right to you? (pause) 'Cause if they do, you must be the one.

(FROSTY laughs.)

You know, I 'm glad y'all are laughin' with me because y'all are either with us or against us. And in laughin' together, y'all are standin' together. Tall, hard. Undivided... Now I'm gonna shoot straight with ya'll. 'Cause if there's one thing I am, it's honest... Honest as a lookin' glass. And straight...always lookin' forward, you gotta be, 'cause a man that looks over his shoulder at every piece a straight road ain't been livin' a straight life... But the demon is constantly tryin' to pull you off a that straight road. Which is why we must, each and everyone of us, do whatever we can to strangle the inner-demon, especially right here in Babylon, with its pornography, drugs, booze, skin-barin' women and men everywhere you turn...

(BILL ENTERS his cabin with a small bottle of liquor; he drinks, jots down some notes, eventually takes his dummy, RONNY, out of a suitcase, puts the head on its body, drinks.)

Now tell me...are you man enough to stand up to such a concentrated onslaught? To resist fallin' prey to every nasty thing you see what's a wearin' less clothes than it takes to dust a fiddle? Now I know that many of y'all have already gone and messed things up worser'n a hen in a pile a cow dung. But it ain't too late, gentlemen. So listen closely to this evenin's words of warnin' and advice. It ain't too late to turn back. And become whole.

(As FROSTY EXITS, a stage servant places a folding chair downstage center. BILL ENTERS with RONNY sitting on his left hand. He faces the audience and (through an invisible mirror) performs/rehearses his act with RONNY.)

SCENE ONE

(BILL's cabin.)

(BILL periodically drinks, becomes increasingly tipsy.)

BILL
Well, we have a wonderful audience out here this evening, don't we? (pause) Don't we?

RONNY

Terrific.

BILL

And we're very glad to be here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. (pause) Aren't we?

RONNY

Can you...can you do me a favor?

BILL

What?

RONNY

Can you do me a really big favor?

BILL

Sure, Ronny, what's that?

RONNY

Get your thumb outa my asshole.

BILL

(BILL puts his right foot on the chair; RONNY sits on BILL'S knee.)

Sorry.

RONNY

Actually, I...kinda liked it.

BILL

(Angrily.) Let's cut the ad-libbing, alright?

(BILL regains his composure, shifts back into performance mode.)

So...what have you been up to lately?

RONNY

Well, I, uh...I just got married.

BILL

Well, that's good.

RONNY

No, not that good. She's ugly.

BILL

Well, that's bad.

RONNY

No, not that bad. She's wealthy.

BILL

Well, that's good.

RONNY

No, not that good. She's stingy.

BILL

Well, that's bad.

RONNY

No, not that bad. She bought me a new house.

BILL

Well, that's good.

RONNY

No, not that good. The house burnt down.

BILL

Well, that's bad.

RONNY

No, not that bad. She was in it.

BILL

I thought you had a girlfriend?

RONNY

I do. And I'll tell you, that girl's really got somethin'...

BILL

Oh, yeah.

RONNY

Now I think I've got it. Or maybe I got it from sleepin' in your bed.

BILL

Now that's completely unnecessary.

RONNY

This girlfriend, she...she's kinda weird.

BILL

Why's that?

RONNY

She's always wearin' curlers in her hair.

BILL

Well, lots of girls wear curlers in their hair.

RONNY

On their legs? (beat) She looks like a fuckin' sheep dog.

BILL

You can't talk that way when we're on stage.

RONNY

Why not?

BILL

We'll get thrown off the ship.

RONNY

What, are you doin' drugs again?

BILL

Why are you sayin' that?

RONNY

You're actin' paranoid.

BILL

I'm not paranoid.

RONNY

Every time you get high lately...

BILL

I told you, I stopped doin' that. And this is our only booking between now and New Year's.

RONNY

So get another one. I can't stand Alaska. And the ship, it's like a floatin' convalescent home.

BILL

Well, there's nice scenery...

RONNY

"Scenery"? It's nothin' but trees, water, ice... And you gotta look at it day and night 'cause the goddamn sun never goes down.

BILL

So stay in the cabin.

RONNY

At least down in the Caribbean we could get laid.

BILL

Most of those ships are up here right now.

RONNY

If we had some decent material, we wouldn't have to work on cruise ships.

BILL

We just got a standing ovation.

RONNY

The writing's gotta be truthful.

(RONNY looks away.)

BILL

Look in the mirror.

RONNY

(RONNY continue to look away.)

I thought we were just runnin' lines.

BILL

I have to see what our delivery looks like.

RONNY

But it's not real.

BILL

What?

RONNY

The mirror. It shows everything backwards.

BILL

Well, it's still helpful.

RONNY

But then you're only looking at an image of me. For hours. And you're talking to the image, responding to it.

BILL

It helps to create the illusion.

RONNY

We don't want an illusion. We gotta make it real... So...so step away from the mirror.

BILL

But that's...that's how we always rehearse.

RONNY

We gotta talk to each other directly...honestly.

BILL

Well...

RONNY

Just try it.

BILL

(pause) Fine. But I don't see what difference it makes.

RONNY

Just step away from it.

BILL

Alright.

(BILL steps away from mirror.)

RONNY

Now talk to me instead of my image.

BILL

I...this... This doesn't feel right.

RONNY

What are you talking about?

BILL

Well...

RONNY

Look at me!

(BILL and RONNY look at each other. BILL looks away.)

BILL

I just think it's better if we can see what the audience sees.

RONNY

Do I seem any less real now? Do I?

BILL

No, but, I...

(BILL laughs uncomfortably.)

I feel less real.

RONNY

Well, I'm the one does most a the talkin', right? I get the laughs. So it's only natural that you feel less real, right? (pause) Right?

BILL

(Pause. BILL shifts back to his stage persona.)

Now although we rarely attempt this, ladies and gentlemen, because it's such an extraordinary strain on the vocal cords, this evening we're going to attempt...

RONNY

You're going to attempt...

BILL

We're both going to attempt...the double voice. Singing in two voices simultaneously...

(BILL sings.)

Ah, sunflower weary of time...

RONNY

I bet you don't sing very often.

BILL

I sing in the shower.

RONNY

Don't take many showers, do you?

BILL

(Sings.) Ah, sunflower weary of time.

RONNY

(Sings.) Who countest the steps of the sun.

BILL

(Sings.) Seeking after that sweet golden clime.

RONNY

(Sings.) Where the traveler's journey is done.

BILL

Now we're going to sing in two voices simultaneously.

RONNY

We hope.

BILL

Actually, there are only four people in the entire world who can do the double voice.

RONNY

And he's two of 'em.

BILL

But I'm not a schizpophrenic. (pause) Neither am I.

RONNY

Do you think they'll give us a standing ovation if we can do the double voice?

BILL

I hope so. I really do. Because every time we arrive in Vancouver, as soon as I step off the gangway my three year old daughter, Debbie, she runs down the pier, jumps into my arms, gives me a big hug and a kiss, and she asks, "Daddy, did they give you a standing ovation?" So not for me, ladies and gentlemen...but for my daughter...

(BILL sings.)

Where the Youth pined away with desire.

RONNY

What a bunch a shit.

BILL

We have to stick with the routine.

RONNY

I'm not a goddamn whore. I'm an artist.

BILL

Well, I have a mortgage to pay. A wife, a child...

RONNY

As part of humanity, I must write and perform material that's honest.

BILL

We finish this contract I'll let you do whatever the hell you want.

RONNY

We gotta get rid a this fuckin' circus act, right now, and start performing art. Art. Art!!!

SCENE TWO

(Cruise ship disco.)

(BILL stands in the cruise ship's disco, RONNY sits downstage (far left or right). MEL ENTERS.)

MEL

(He is holding a five dollar bill.)

Here. Get me a vodka and coke, and buy yourself a beer.

BILL

(BILL hesitates.)

Not tonight.

MEL

(MEL laughs.)

Ever since you went to church last week, you stopped drinking.

BILL

I was drinking last night.

MEL

You're a bloody born again Christian...

BILL

I promised my wife...

MEL

(Hands money to BILL.)

Here, go get us a couple of drinks.

BILL

I have to take care of my voice.

MEL

You know, I drank a fifth and a half of vodka today. A bloody fifth and a half...and my voice sounded great tonight, man. They loved me.

BILL

That's what you thought.

MEL

My mind's as sharp as a pin.

BILL

By tomorrow, you won't even remember talkin' to me.

MEL

Bollocks. It's you bloody born again Christians can't hold your bloody liquor. (pause) How old are you?

BILL

Thirty-two.

MEL

When I was your age I used to drink a bottle of Scotch every night. After midnight I'd switch to beer. To cleanse out the system. Then I'd wake up and have vodka and orange juice before a limo picked me up for a session at the studio. I did that for over twenty years and never had a hangover... I don't always sing now like I did then, but your voice changes as you get older.

BILL

I'm going to go rehearse.

MEL

Rehearse? For what?

BILL

I'm headlining tomorrow.

MEL

You just got a bloody standin' ovation.

BILL

I'm working on some new material.

MEL

You're all set for tonight, you know.

BILL

What are you talking about?

MEL

I told a young lady that you'd meet her here for a drink.

BILL

Who?

MEL

A blonde bird. Oh, she's hot, Billy.

BILL

C'mon, Mel...

MEL

She's got fuckin' knockers out to here.

BILL

I'm gonna go work on my act.

MEL

There she is, over there.

BILL

Where?

MEL

The blonde.

BILL

No.

MEL

She's the hottest bird on the boat, Billy.

BILL

I...I have my wife.

MEL

In New York.

BILL

Well, I, uh...

MEL

I'm tellin' you, mate. She'll knock your fuckin' socks off.

BILL

I'm going back to the cabin.

MEL

If you don't use it, you lose it, Billy.

(MEL laughs. ROSE ENTERS.)

MEL

Hello there, love.

ROSE

Hi.

MEL

Rose, this is Billy.

ROSE

My pleasure.

(She holds out her hand, waiting for BILL to kiss it. He hesitates, shakes her hand. She surveys his body.)

BILL

Nice to meet you.

ROSE

What are you having?

BILL

(pause.) I'm fine.

ROSE

Mel?

MEL

A vodka and coke, love. (pause) If we can get a goddamn waiter...

ROSE

So how do you like working on a cruise ship?

BILL

It's, umm, interesting.

ROSE

I'm sure.

MEL

He's been doing fantastic. They wouldn't stop laughin' the other night.

ROSE

You were fabulous.

MEL

Rose goes on cruises all the time, don't you dear?

ROSE

I've been on twenty-two ships.

BILL

Why?

ROSE

Because I always seem to meet the most delectable crew members.

(Pause. She looks him in the eyes.)

Your eyes are very intense.

BILL

I, uhh, was swimming underwater with my eyes open.

ROSE

Would you like to dance?

BILL

(pause) Maybe to another song.

ROSE

That's alright. I don't care about dancing here, anyway.

(BILL can't stand still.)

MEL

A person could die of thirst around here.

ROSE

(ROSE notices BILLY moving around.)

What are you doing?

BILL

(pause) I'm just...moving to the music.

ROSE

You look nervous.

BILL

I'm dancing.

ROSE

You're not afraid of me.

BILL

I don't think so.

ROSE

(pause) Good.

MEL

Rose is a model. Aren't you, darling?

ROSE

Mmmmm hmmmm....

BILL

Really?

ROSE

I pose mostly for men's magazines, but only when I feel like it. I'm independently wealthy. (pause) Well...

BILL

(pause) What?

ROSE

Is it going to be your cabin or mine?

MEL
(pause) There's nothin' like experience, Billy. Especially between the sheets.

(MEL laughs.)

ROSE

(ROSE massages BILL'S neck, shoulders.)

You're so tight... You've gotta loosen up. (pause) How does that feel?

BILL

Not bad...

ROSE

It's so much easier to relax when you're lying down... I usually like to start at the end of the feet, and then slowly work my way up.

BILL

I'm supposed to rehearse tonight.

MEL

(pause.) He's a well-built one, ain't he love?

ROSE

He appears to be.

MEL

But you just can't be too sure, can you?

ROSE

I could make an accurate prediction.

MEL

He's been saving up his strength.

ROSE

Is that right?

BILL

I'm not saving anything.

MEL

Frustrated, too.

ROSE

I think I can help him get over that.

(BILL takes out small bottle of tequila from his pocket, drinks from it.)

MEL

I knew you wouldn't last.

ROSE

Do you like coke?

BILL

You've got some?

ROSE

Almost an eighth.

(ROSE grabs hold of BILL.)

MEL

She'll send you for a loop, she will. She'll run you ragged...

(BILL guzzles some more tequila.)

BILL

(To ROSE.) You want some?

(BILL offers her the bottle.)

MEL

You could at least get the lady a glass.

ROSE

(ROSE takes a swig of tequila.)

Thank you.

(She massages him.)

Are you ready for your massage, now?

MEL

That'll make you relax, boy... Like a fuckin' jellyfish.

BILLY

(BILLY looks at watch.)

I'm supposed to go call my wife.

ROSE

You're married?

BILL

Almost five years.

MEL

Stay and have a drink for Christ's sake.

BILL

(pause) One drink.

MEL

Thattaboy.

(MEL EXITS.)

ROSE

I just adore married men. (pause) Do you want to stay up all night with me?

BILL

(pause) Well, I...I'm supposed to rehearse.

ROSE

Let's go into that bathroom over there.

BILL

The men's room?

ROSE

Would you feel more comfortable in the ladies' room?

BILL

Why don't we just go down to your cabin.

ROSE

(pause) I want to see your cock, first.

BILL

Can't we, uh...do that downstairs--

ROSE

And then I want to show you mine. (pause) Okay...

SCENE THREE

(BILL'S cabin.)

(RONNY sits on a chair. BILL ENTERS with a bottle of beer; he "throws his voice" to RONNY. Unless indicated otherwise within the play text, whenever RONNY speaks while separated from BILL, RONNY is not animated.)

RONNY

You said you'd be right back.

BILL

I...I was just hanging out with Mel.

RONNY
Mel? Till three o'clock in the morning?

BILL

(pause) Where'd you put that six-pack of beer?

RONNY
I didn't touch one.

BILL

There's only one left.

RONNY

That's the one I didn't touch.

(BILL laughs.)

Stop. Stop with the God-awful jokes already.

(BILL picks up RONNY, animates him.)

BILL

Those jokes got us a standing ovation.

RONNY

Trained monkeys get standin' ovations.

BILL

Well, if we keep getting them, they're going to extend our contract.

RONNY

(RONNY shifts into performance mode.)

So I got my arm around my girlfriend and I'm cruisin' down the highway in my Dodge Dart, goin' about 90 miles an hour, when all of a sudden we go under an overpass...

BILL

(Disapprovingly.) Ronny.

RONNY

And a piece a cement comes crashin' through the windshield, and it hits me between the legs... Broke three of my girlfriend's fingers.

BILL

Ronny.

RONNY

Came ten seconds earlier, it woulda cracked her fuckin' jaw.

BILL

We can't do that kind of material here.

RONNY

I thought the geriatric crowd liked old jokes.

BILL

If I was your father, I'd give you poison.

RONNY

If you were my father, I'd take it... That joke sucks.

BILL

Well, it usually works.

RONNY

It's corny. Try it my way.

BILL
It's not going to get a laugh.

RONNY

Just try it.

BILL

If I was your father, I'd shoot you.

RONNY

(RONNY delivers the sentence like a punchline.)

I'd shoot your ass first.

BILL

(pause) It doesn't work.

RONNY

That's because I'm not holding my gun.

BILL

Look, they told us when we signed on: no violence, and we have to keep it clean.

RONNY

An artist has to take chances.

BILL
When in doubt, leave it out.

RONNY

When in doubt, pull it out. That's what I'm gonna do... In our next show.

(RONNY mimes masturbating by moving his hand up and down.)

BILL

This material got us booked on a luxury cruise ship in Alaska...

RONNY

What's next, Siberia?

BILL

We're finally getting standing ovations.

RONNY

Seven people stood up.

BILL

Everything's finally coming together. And you have to keep focusing on the negative.

RONNY

That's where the strongest material is.

BILL

Not for a cruise ship act.

RONNY

I don't wanna be a cruise ship act. Do you understand me!

BILL

You're gonna do whatever the hell I tell you.

RONNY

Read my lips.

(RONNY mouths "fuck you.")

I wanna work art galleries, cutting-edge theaters...Comedy Central.

BILL

(Angrily.) We've been here for five months, we're finally going to be headlining, and we're going to do what we always do until we complete the contract.

RONNY

Man, you're a sell-out.

BILL

We can't afford to get in trouble again.

RONNY

Whose fault was it last time?

BILL

My...my watch stopped.

RONNY

You were in Old San Juan drinkin' all day.

BILL

Trying to find material.

RONNY

You were chasin' a piece a ass.

BILL

That's not the reason we missed the ship.

RONNY

You could hear the ship's horn half-way across the Caribbean.

BILL

I...I go by my watch.

(BILL drinks.)

RONNY

The ship's horn blasts once, you have an hour till they pull up the gangway. It blasts twice, you have thirty minutes. Three times, you're fucked.

BILL

Well, I couldn't hear it.

RONNY

You were too busy tellin' that Puerto Rican "waitress" in the hi-heels and bikini that you needed a place to stay.

BILL

I was not.

RONNY

Why are you lyin' again?

(BILL sits RONNY on a chair and "throws" RONNY'S voice when RONNY speaks.)

BILL

(Angrily.) I am not a liar.

RONNY

Then you're fuckin' nuts.

BILL

Look...I did not come back here to be insulted.

RONNY

Then where do you usually go?

BILL

You know, I'm...I'm gettin' outa here.

RONNY

Why don't you just stay out, you hack. Forever. I'll do my own act.

BILL
(pause) I...I think you should come look at the ocean with me.

RONNY

I hate the ocean.

BILL

Maybe because you haven't been close enough yet.

RONNY

The farther away, the better.

BILL

I think you'll like it more if you're...close enough to taste the salt...to feel the cold water pressing against your skin.

RONNY

I...I'd rather take a bath.

BILL

The ocean is so much more invigorating.

(BILL drinks.)

RONNY

I want water, I'll turn on the faucet.

BILL

But you can't swim in the sink.

RONNY

Swim? I...I can't swim a stroke.

BILL

I thought your father was a paddle.

RONNY

Your mother's an oar.

(BILL picks up, manipulates RONNY.)

BILL

You've had it, man. We're goin' out to the back deck.

RONNY

Help! Help!

BILL

Keep your mouth shut or I'll strangle you.

(BILL temporarily covers RONNY'S mouth with his hand. RONNY struggles.)

RONNY

Murderer! Murderer!

BILL

(Firmly.) Quiet.

(They begin to EXIT.)

RONNY

I'll let you keep sixty percent...seventy... Seventy-five percent...

(EXEUNT.)

SCENE FOUR

(A stateroom.)

(RONNY sits on a chair, a pistol in his lap. BILL is sleeping on a couch or a chair, in his clothes. CINDY, who wears a thick leather S&M collar, ENTERS, walks by, works on a movement-based performance piece. She sees the pistol, hides it. She moves by BILL, who eventually wakes up, watches her. BILL eventually speaks.)

BILL

Uh... excuse me... Can you answer a question?

CINDY

What?

BILL

How did I get here?

CINDY

Well, I ran into you and your friend last night out on the back deck.

BILL

Friend?

CINDY

Ronny.

BILL

Oh, right.

CINDY

You guys were pretty funny. You kept holdin' him out over the rail, threatenin' to throw him overboard...and he was screamin', as if you were really gonna do it... And it was slippery... And it seemed as if you could both end up falling overboard, because it was so windy out there, and you were like really wasted, so I took you back to my cabin so you wouldn't get hurt.

BILL

Thanks. (long pause) Did we, uh...?

CINDY

You couldn't even walk.

BILL
What's this, a stateroom?

CINDY

My sister's a travel agent.

(CINDY keeps walking and disappears into the other room. BILL sits up. She reappears.)

Would you like some tea?

BILL

Yeah, I need the caffeine.

(She EXITS, BILL looks around room, over at RONNY. Eventually, CINDY brings BILL a cup of tea.)

CINDY

Do you want to do a hit of blotter with me?

BILL

What?

CINDY

Blotter.

BILL
(pause) No.

CINDY

It's really mellow. I...I made it myself.

BILL

I think I'll just pass.

CINDY

Take a couple of tabs for later.

BILL

It's not really necessary...

CINDY

Just take it.

(CINDY gives BILL the blotter acid.)

BILL

Thanks.

CINDY

(She mouths words to herself while making strange movements.)

I'm working on a new performance piece.

BILL

That's what I should be doing.

CINDY

I'm into less structured performing that's closer to the semiotic chora, the primal drives. My performances are about the individual chora and its social construction.

BILL

That sounds, uh, interesting.

CINDY

When I get back home to San Francis co, for example, I'm going to wash windshields on Market Street with the junkies... You see, the semiotic chora manifests itself in the death drive, which is certainly related to shooting up heroin, as well as to windshield washing in the middle of traffic. But at the same time, washing windshields is a matter of survival... It's just a very relevant performance topic, and nobody's done it yet.

BILL

(pause) What about the junkies?

CINDY

Well...certainly they're doing it all the time. But they're not conscious, dialectical actors performing their task from a critical distance.

BILL

(Anxiously.) What time is it?

CINDY

2:30.

BILL

Daytime, right?

CINDY

It's always daytime.

BILL
I mean afternoon.

CINDY

I think we just missed lunch.

BILL

(pause) You got any beer?

(CINDY puts her hands on BILL'S body.)

CINDY

You feeling okay, Bob?

BILL

Who? Uh...

CINDY

Bob's your name, isn't it?

(RALPH ENTERS. BILL doesn't see him at first.)

BILL

Uh...yeah... I was just kiddin' around...

CINDY

Do you wanna fuck?

RALPH

Hi.

BILL

How you doin'? I...I, uh, should probably get--

CINDY

Ralph doesn't mind you being here.

RALPH

I've had enough of her. Six shows a day...double shifts. Dude, you want to fuck her, go ahead. Maybe you can come home with us and take my place for a couple of days.

CINDY

Ralph, you've been doing fine.

RALPH

There had to be a wise-ass in the crowd last week.

BILL

Where...where was this?

RALPH

The Show Palace.

BILL

Isn't that where Robin Williams taped his HBO special?

RALPH

It's a live porno theater.

CINDY

Ralph and I perform in the show.

BILL

(pause) What do you do?

CINDY

Fuck.

RALPH

That's what we're supposed to be doing, anyway. And I never have a problem. As long as there aren't any distractions. But one night last month we were finishing up a double, at like one in the morning, which is when you usually get a lot of drunks, and street people. Which doesn't really bother me, as long as they're quiet. Because when I'm working I need to have complete concentration... Anyway, a couple of spectators kept talking and laughing. But I'm really trying, you know, because we're only supposed to be up there for twenty minutes, and I have to produce, and about fifteen minutes had already gone by when some jerk yells out..."Hey, I oughta get a job doin' that. I can't get it up either!" (pause) So I jump down from the stage and I'm just about to...to strike him with my fist when these two street punks grab me from behind and throw me over a chair. The bouncers finally came in and cleaned house, but I threw out my goddamn back.

CINDY

You'll be fine by the time the cruise is over.

RALPH

I can't even tie my goddamn shoes.

CINDY

Bob performs, too. He does comedy.

RALPH

I know, I was talking to the mannequin.

CINDY

We're going to go see his show tonight.

RALPH

We've been trying to work some comedy skits into our act. Our agent encourages that kind of stuff. She even makes us go to acting lessons every Sunday morning. If we don't show up, she cuts back our hours. But I like going, anyway... It's good for my career... I'm going to get into movies, eventually.

BILL

Porno flicks pay pretty well?

RALPH

Dude, I'm not talking about porno. I'm going to do legitimate films. That's why I'm performing and taking acting lessons.

(RALPH EXITS.)

CINDY

I'm more into the actual performance experience... What I eventually want to do with live sex is put it into a more traditional performance setting while making it a part of a radical montage that includes other socially transgressive acts in order to subvert the social structure by shocking the audience into realizing that revolution is both possible and necessary.

BILL

You think you're making a political statement by screwing?

CINDY

Definitely.

BILL

But it's so oppressive.

CINDY

Oppressive? It's pure pleasure. For me, the men in the raincoats... The only oppression comes from the fascist state which wants to regulate pleasure, women's bodies--

BILL

I still don't see how it's political.

CINDY

How can you divorce politics from fucking in a porno theater? I mean, it's all there: objectification of women, commodification of desire... There's exploitation...

BILL

But you're being exploited too.

CINDY

I'm also making over a thousand a week. Which I could never do on a "legitimate" stage.

BILL

You're not exactly doing theater.

(BILL picks up RONNY, makes him seem "alive.")

CINDY

Show Palace is the most intense theater experience in San Francisco. It's as if showbiz were reduced to its bare essentials: sex, flesh for sale, vicarious pleasure. I mean, it's the most basic act, there's no language. It's about as concrete as you can get. And I think it helps my writing.

BILL

You're a writer, too?

CINDY

I write fiction based upon my experiences.

BILL

That's what I'm working on.

CINDY

You write fiction?

BILL

I'm trying to write some new material.

CINDY

I think the best writing comes from everyday life.

RONNY

I'm writing now, too.

BILL

He's trying.

RONNY

I'm gonna start workin' solo, man.

CINDY

(To RONNY.) You think you can do that?

RONNY

I got to.

CINDY

I think you should.

RONNY

(To BILL.) You see.

BILL

He's not gonna work solo.

RONNY

I am too.

CINDY

You know, this whole concept of...of throwing into doubt the notion of the "unified subject" and...and disrupting the spectator's false sense of ontological security...it's...it's getting me really hot.

RONNY

It's givin' me a woody.

CINDY

And I think that's the only way you can tell if something's really working...when you...you can feel it in your body.

RONNY

What's your name, girl?

CINDY

Cindy.

RONNY

You know, Cindy, my body, it...it feels like it wants to feel...to see your body. All of it. Completely fuckin' naked.

BILL

Ronny!

CINDY

(To RONNY.) Would you like me to get naked for you?

BILL

No.

RONNY

I'd love it.

(RONNY laughs.)

CINDY

Okay...

RONNY

I'm feelin' you, baby. I'm feelin' you...

CINDY

(To RONNY.) But once you've seen me without any clothes on, I'm afraid I'll have to shoot you.

RONNY

What!?

BILL

(To CINDY.) You know...

RONNY

Forget it.

BILL

Every time I sit down with my notebook I...I keep writing the same old thing.

RONNY

And it sucks.

BILL

Stop interrupting.

CINDY

All you've gotta do is be honest.

(CINDY caresses BILL.)

BILL

Are...are you gonna fuck me now?

CINDY

Sure.

(CINDY straddles BILL; they kiss.)

But I think I've got herpes.

(RALPH ENTERS, dresssed only in a towel, black socks, and shoes. BILL doesn't see him at first.)

BILL

Maybe some other time.

CINDY

Last night you said you didn't care.

RALPH

You didn't seem to mind me, either, Bob.

RONNY

Oh, shit.

BILL

What...what are you talking about?

RALPH

Don't you remember, darling?

CINDY

Isn't he cute?

BILL

You mean Ronny?

RALPH

And he tries so hard to be butch...

(RALPH pulls open the front of his towel, revealing--to BILL--his genitals.)

RONNY

Get me the fuck outa here.

CINDY

(CINDY grasps RONNY, speaks to him.)

You can go sit on the couch.

BILL

(BILL pulls RONNY towards him, snaps.)

No!

SCENE FIVE

(BILL'S cabin.)

(BILL is sleeping on the floor and against the wall with RONNY. MEL knocks on the door as he speaks. BILL has a very hoarse voice.)

MEL (offstage)

Billy... Billy... Wake up...

(RONNY wakes up, looks around; BILL continues sleeping.)

RONNY

Whuh, what?

MEL (offstage)

Billy, wake up, goddamn it.

(MEL knocks.)

BILL

(BILLY, groggy and wasted, wakes up. His voice is extremely raspy.)

Huh...

MEL (offstage)

(MEL knocks.)

Billy...

BILL

What?

MEL (offstage)

Open the door.

BILL

Wait...I...I think it's open...

(MEL ENTERS.)

MEL

What the hell are you doing?

BILL

What...what's the matter?

MEL

C'mon, you have to hurry.

BILL

For what?

MEL

The show.

BILL

What...

MEL

The show's started.

BILL

Shit!

MEL

(MEL laughs.)

You...you look like somethin' the bloody cat just dragged in.

BILL

Maybe...maybe you could tell the cruise director I'm sick.

MEL
You're the headliner for Christ's sake.

(BILLY puts RONNY down in chair, walks away from him.)

BILL

I...I have to find my notes...

MEL

You're on in fifteen minutes.

BILL

Why'd they start--

MEL

Just get your ass in gear or you're gonna get fuckin' sacked.

BILL

You...you should have woken me up when we...got into Ketchikan.

MEL

That's tommorow. Right now there are five-hundred people up there.

BILL

I...I really think I'm sick.

MEL

They're waitin' for you to close the goddamn show.

BILL

Alright, alright.

MEL

Just get yourself together...

BILL

I will.

MEL

You're gonna be fine...okay?

BILL

Let...let me get cleaned up.

MEL

I'll see you upstairs, mate.

(MEL EXITS. BILL tries to clear his throat.)

BILL
Shit...I...I can hardly even talk.

RONNY

Don't worry about it.

BILL
How the hell am I gonna perform if they can't understand me?

RONNY

I can do all the talkin'.

BILL

I...

(BILL tries to clear his throat.)

I've gotta get my voice back somehow...

RONNY

We're on in about ten minutes.

BILL

Maybe if I...if I stay really close to the microphone...

RONNY

I've been doin' a lot of writin' lately. We'll be fine.

(BILL tries to clear his throat.)

BILL

I'm...I'm gonna go take a shower.

(BILL coughs, EXITS.)

RONNY

(RONNY is now manipulated by a hidden operator.)

This is exactly what I've been waiting for.

(RONNY laughs. LIGHTS FADE. SPOTLIGHT UP ON RONNY.)

Little Tommy Tripper,

Naughty little nipper,

Filled his ass with broken glass,

And circumcised the skipper.

(RONNY shakes his head no.)

No... I gotta get rid of the rhymes... I gotta go deeper, man. I gotta go deeper.

(BLACKOUT.)

SCENE SIX

(The cruise ship disco.)

(BILL, a bit distraught, drinks. RONNY is seated, away from the action. ROSE walks up behind BILLY, whom she frequently touches.)

ROSE

Hello, darling.

BILL

Hi.

ROSE

Where's your little friend?

BILL

I locked him up.

ROSE
Mmmmmm.... Why don't you lock me up?

BILL

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

ROSE

Doesn't everybody?

BILL
I don't think everybody...

ROSE

What do you think bed-posts are for?

BILL

Well, I've never locked anyone up.

ROSE

You just said you locked up your little friend.

BILL

He locked himself up.

ROSE

Oh, he walks, too?

BILL

No, I mean...

ROSE

What else does he do?

BILL

He got himself locked up because...he was outa control tonight.

ROSE

He seemed so...perverted up there on stage.

BILL

Well, he's not supposed to be.

ROSE
Maybe you should be more like that.

BILL

Then I'd never work.

ROSE

You could work with me, darling...

BILL

Modeling for men's magazines?

ROSE
What?

BILL

I thought that's what you did for a living.

(ROSE laughs.)

ROSE

I suck dick.

BILL

(pause) I'm...I'm going to start working by myself.

ROSE

Why don't you forget about work for a while, Mr. Headliner... And we'll go up to my cabin and...pick up where we left off.

BILL

I...I need to have a couple of drinks first.

ROSE
I'll be waiting for you...okay?

(ROSE kisses BILL. RALPH ENTERS.)

Cabin B-19.

RALPH

Heyyy...

BILL

How you doin'?

ROSE

Oh, hello there, Ralphie.

(ROSE holds out her hand. RALPH kisses it, embraces her.)

BILL

You know each other...

ROSE

It's such a small ship, darling.

(ROSE steps away.)

RALPH

I was just knocking on your door.

ROSE

I can't seem to get a moment to myself around here.

RALPH

Must be the salt air.

ROSE

But I'm going to be relaxing in my room for the rest of the evening.

RALPH

Now it's cabin B-19, right?

ROSE

Mmmm, hmmm.

RALPH

I'll be down there in a few minutes...Fraulein.

ROSE

I think I'm going to go slip into my...black negligee.

RALPH

Excellent.

ROSE

(ROSE grabs BILL.)

We'll see you down there...headliner.

(ROSE EXITS, dramatically.)

BILL

I, uhhh...

RALPH

Hey, man, you know, I...I really have to hand it to you...

BILL

What?

RALPH

That ventriloquist act of yours... Man, I've never seen anything like it.

BILL
I...I was a bit under the weather.

RALPH

Dude, that was freaky.

BILL

It's usually a lot funnier.

RALPH

Freakier, I think, than my most bizarre acid trip... The way that mannequin took over up there...and kept delivering that obscene poetry...

BILL

Well, whenever you add new stuff--

(CINDY ENTERS, performing strange movements, mouthing words.)

RALPH

Dude...it was just like one of those old Twilight Zone episodes...on Quaaludes... But it wasn't TV.

CINDY

(CINDY quietly moves close to BILL and suddenly begins performing a poem, loudly, startling the ventriloquist. CINDY may periodically repeat the following poem; perhaps she performs it as if possessed.)

Boundaries

and conventions

are nothing but

illusions that

protect us from

the real.

RALPH

(RALPH speaks and EXITS before CINDY completes her poem.)

Later, dude.

BILL

Ummm...hi...

(CINDY continues moving throughout scene.)

What are you doing?

CINDY

Trying to work out some problems...

BILL

(pause) What sort of problems?

CINDY

Well, they're...they're not really something I can discuss, at least not gramatically. Because, well...they're so non-linear, abstract...which is--after all--what life is... Or isn't... I mean, our experience, everything that we see, it's just a container masking the truth, which is permeable. And art is infinitesimally more interesting, and honest, when it emphasizes that the contents continually shift. That the container's only essence is constant flux...

Boundaries

and conventions

are nothing but

illusions that

protect us from

the real.

(pause) Oh, I thought your act was brilliant tonight.

BILL

I was, uh, trying out some new material.

CINDY

You, the dummy...I'm not sure which...but you both seemed so in your element up there.

BILL

He, uh, got kind of carried away. But, uh...you're a performer. You know how it is...

CINDY

It seemed so real... As if...as if what you were doing was completely unscripted, spontaneous... Part of an ongoing, potentially life-threatening struggle...

BILL

Did you think it was funny?

CINDY

It...it was so much more than that. I mean, your act went from melodrama, to confessional poetry...to...to Lenny Bruce...all within thirty minutes. You are fucking amazing. And your puppet, Ronny...I mean, for a while there he...he seemed so real... More real than you, even.

BILL
(pause) Why don't you, uh, come down to the cabin...and have a drink with us.

CINDY

(CINDY performs choreographed moves.)

I'd love to, but, you know, I'm like in a zone right now and...and I'm making like incredible progress...in, in feeling my body, the world, in radically new yet...different...startling, startling ways... And I...I have to move, move the inside to the outside, to...to feel the salt air, ocean, the forests, melted snow surging down the mountains...to...to move outside of myself, become one with the world...beneath...beneath the midnight sun...

(BILL applauds.)

BILL

Why don't we go into Ketchikan tomorrow?

CINDY

I can't make plans.

(CINDY leaps into the arms of BILL, who catches her by the thighs.)

It has to be spontaneous.

(CINDY kisses BILL, leaves his arms.)

BILL
Well, we, uh--

CINDY

Tell Ronny I send my love.

(CINDY, still in the zone, EXITS. BILL drinks.)

BILL

(With contempt, to self.)

Ronny, you little bastard...

(MEL ENTERS.)

MEL

Billy...

(MEL laughs.)

You put on a hell of a show tonight, mate.

BILL

I was working on some new material.

MEL

While you're headlining?

BILL

I...I thought it would work.

MEL

You don't go fifteen minutes over your time when you're dying a death up there.

BILL

Some...some people liked it.

MEL

I heard an old bird at the back of the bar saying she'd like to wash that ventriloquist's mouth out with a bar of soap.

(MEL laughs.)

BILL

You mean the dummy's mouth.

MEL

You'll get 'em next time.

BILL

(Angrily.) He's not gonna do that again.

MEL

The show's over, mate... Forget about it. Just stick with the old routines and you'll be fine. You ready for another beer?

BILL

I have to work on some new material.

MEL

Just keep doing what's been tried and tested.

BILL

But everybody does that.

MEL

Look, you got a standing ovation the other night... And if you keep giving 'em what they want, you'll be all set, man. You'll be working bloody cruise ships from now until kingdom come.

BILL

I don't want to work fucking cruise ships.

MEL

Then just keep doing what you did tonight, and you'll be done before you know it... Cheers, mate.

(MEL EXITS.)

BILL

(BILL provides RONNY'S voice, ventriloquially. Perhaps he addresses himself to an unanimated RONNY, who sits downstage--far right or left.)

(In RONNY's voice.)

Fuck him, man. Fuck him.

(In BILL'S voice.)

Well, he's got a point.

(In RONNY'S voice, ventriloquially.)

You wanna end up like Mel, a fuckin' hack?

(In BILL'S voice.)

Well, at least we can make some money here.

(In RONNY'S voice, ventriloquially.)

Either we work as artists or we don't work at all. You hear me?

(In BILL's voice.)

But...we have to work.

(In RONNY'S voice, ventriloquially, firmly.)

Or we don't work at all.

(BILL EXITS. FROSTY ENTERS, plays a guitar or banjo.)

SCENE SEVEN

FROSTY

(RONNY continues sitting downstage. During parts of the song, FROSTY tries to get the audience to sing along. He may also dance the two-step as he performs. "The Whole Song.")

Oh, there won't be no women whorin',

Once we men got 'em under control,

They always deceive, just look back at Eve,

C'mon, let's all be whole.

There won't be no Blacks in power,

Once they're purged from the votin' rolls,

Three strikes never fails, let's keep buildin' more jails,

So we can all be whole.

(FROSTY encourages audience to sing along here.)

Let's all be whole,

C'mon my brothers, let's get ridda these mothers,

So we can all be whole.

(FROSTY talks over the music.)

Now I realize that for those of y'all who've long been flounderin' in the mire of sin, becomin' whole and undivided might seem as outa place right now as...as a cow on a front porch, a pig in a pawnshop. But y'all can change.

(FROSTY sings. CINDY ENTERS upstage, where she remains, performing silently. Her performance often seems to subvert the words of FROSTY, who does not notice her. Note: consider having CINDY wear a bikini in this scene.)

Oh, there won't be no towel-headed riffraff,

Once the world's in our control,

Let's nuke all the bastards, that cause them disasters,

So we can all be whole.

(FROSTY may say, "Now here's somethin' for those of y'all livin' out there in Babylon.")

You homos won't be a prancin',

If you get a lick a my pole,

Ain't no diversity in all this perversity,

C'mon, let's all be whole.

(FROSTY encourages audience to sing along.)

Let's all be whole,

So c'mon, follow Jesus, let's blow 'em to pieces,

So we can all be whole.

(FROSTY puts away musical instrument, talks.)

Now ya'll don't need no double-dyed hypocrite a gettin' down on his prayer bones an' taffyin' up the Lord to know that we're livin' in perverse times and that it smells...worser 'n hell on house-cleanin' day... But y'all can get rid a the stench if you stop straddlin' the righteous upper half and the demonic lower half and become unified, whole...which is somethin' you just got to do. 'Cause I'll tell you right now, gentlemen...a man who straddles the fence is gonna get a sore crotch... And be about as useless as tits on a boar pig.

Y'all must harden the body--through weightliftin', sports, moderation of food and drink. Y'all must seek out good associates, through whom you'll be preserved and elevated... Avoid the lazy, the dissolute, the swarmin' masses beggin' for money. There's plenty a jobs out there if you're willin' to look for 'em. Y'all just gotta quit spittin' on the handle...

(FROSTY mimes masturbating.)

And get to work.

CINDY

(As FROSTY speaks, CINDY performs poem at low volume. FROSTY, who speaks over her, does not see or hear her.)

Boundaries

and "the whole"

are nothing but

illusions that

protect us from

the real.

FROSTY

Speakin' a spittin' on the handle, I'd like y'all to take a moment to think back to what for most of y'all was your first immoral act: MASTURBATION.

(Optional "ad lib": FROSTY points to male audience member and says, "Now you...you remember that first time, don't you? How did that feel? It was good, wasn't it?" For a moment, FROSTY seems to take pleasure in and linger on the evoked image. But FROSTY suddenly snaps out of his pleasurable dreaming.)

Now y'all must stand hard, gentlemen, allowing nothing to flow away. Because the more you keep inside, the harder you get. And the harder you get, the more powerful you are. And the more powerful you become, the more you'll be able to dominate the lower half. Which is why you must avoid habitual masturbation and that other aberration which is more rife right now--right here in Babylon--than one could even imagine: HOMOSEXUALITY. Now I don't gotta tell y'all that--just like the Romans--we are on the verge of drowning in a flood of perverse pleasure. We must listen to Paul who writes (and I quote), "Men committed shameless acts with men....For this reason God gave them up..." Romans 1:26&27.

(CINDY begins to move further downstage. FROSTY sees her during the last word of his monologue.)

Amen! Can I get an amen? Amen! It's all men... Now y'all don't gotta be smarter'n a squaw crackin' cooties on a papoose's foretop to know that pleasure must be dominated before you can dominate.

CINDY

Boundaries

and "the whole"

are nothing but

illusions that--

FROSTY

(CINDY ignores FROSTY, continues performing.)

How the hell'd you get in here, woman?

CINDY

Through that door over there.

(CINDY continues her poetic performance.)

Boundaries

and "the whole"

are nothing but--

FROSTY

We're in the middle of a revival meetin'.

CINDY

Well, don't let me bother you.

(CINDY mouths poem, works on moves. FROSTY watches for a few moments.)

FROSTY

What the hell are you doin?

CINDY

I'm...I'm working on a new performance piece.

FROSTY

Not here.

CINDY

I have to perform here.

FROSTY

Well, you got about as much chance as a one-legged man at a kickin' contest.

CINDY

I'll just go off in the corner.

FROSTY

This gatherin' excludes women.

CINDY

Most gatherings exclude women. Even when they're there.

FROSTY

(To audience.) Now where was I? Oh, yeah...we was talkin' about domination.

CINDY

What else do men talk about?

FROSTY

(To audience.) You can't be a man unless you're constantly at war, against the lower half, the scum that are always threatenin' to take society down.

CINDY

Nothing is as clear as you think.

FROSTY

Above is not below, man is not woman.

CINDY

I can be you as...as easily as you can be me.

FROSTY

Women are not permitted at this here meetin'.

CINDY

Why, because their presence destroys your neat categories?

FROSTY

Now, I told you to leave.

CINDY

Let me put on your cowboy hat.

(CINDY unsuccessfully tries to take FROSTY'S cowboy hat.)

FROSTY

What's on top, stays on top.

CINDY

That can be altered.

FROSTY

Only through death.

CINDY

(CINDY begins touching FROSTY. FROST remains military-like, almost as if "at attention.")

I think we can alter it right now...

FROSTY

Once soft, never hard again, gentlemen.

CINDY

You've gotta stop fighting this battle...

FROSTY

There's no time for pleasure in the middle of war.

CINDY

We don't need war.

FROSTY

Getting rid of war is like...like preventing mothers from bringing children into the world.

(CINDY goes down on knees, feels FROSTY'S legs.)

CINDY

You have such strong loins.

FROSTY

Everything's strong.

CINDY

I just love a strong man.

FROSTY

And hard.

CINDY

I wanna take you inside of me.

(CINDY get very physical with FROSTY.)

Okay...

(FROSTY begins to give in a bit but regains his composure.)

FROSTY
No.

CINDY

But what good's hard if it never has soft?

(FROSTY notices CINDY'S breasts.)

FROSTY

Why, you're...you're a double-breasted female...

(CINDY rubs her breasts on FROSTY.)

CINDY

You like that, Frosty? Com'ere...

FROSTY

Oh... Oh... Oh...

CINDY

You're so hard...

FROSTY

Aaahhh...

CINDY

But I'm not gonna let you stay that way... Mmmmmm...

(FROSTY laughs weirdly, violently yanks CINDY up by her S&M collar, begins choking her with the collar.)

What... Stop it... What are you, some kinda freak? Shit...

(Disgusted, FROSTY begins to choke CINDY with both hands. During their struggle, CINDY knocks FROSTY'S hat off, which remains on the ground. FROSTY is strangling her.)

FROSTY

One must always be on one's guard, gentlemen. Pleasure, which can knock you down faster 'n a stroke a lightnin', arises out of the complacency of peacetime. Which is about as welcome here as a polecat at a picnic.

(CINDY begins to collapse.)

Y'all must be ready to sacrifice the lower-half in the name of strength. Of unity of the whole.

(FROSTY drops CINDY to the floor.)

Which reminds me of a story I'd like to share with y'all... Back in the day, I had me a job at a sportin' good store... And this scantily clad squaw comes struttin' into the shop one afternoon with nothin' on but a bikini, and she picks out a long, wooden baseball bat. I says to her, "Hey, do you wanna ball for the bat?" She goes, "No...but I'll blow you for the sweat socks."

(FROSTY laughs wildly, EXITS. Music plays as CINDY slowly rises, puts on FROSTY'S cowboy hat. She pulls out a pistol, feels its power, prepares to use it. Suddenly, RONNY looks over towards CINDY, who EXITS in FROSTY'S direction as a SPOTLIGHT shines on RONNY. As Cindy EXITS, consider playing a prerecorded quote, such as the following spoken by George W. Bush: "And...this man is the man who would use weapons of mass destruction at the drop of a hat." RONNY, the only character left onstage, laughs madly as LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK.)

PART II

SCENE EIGHT

(Golden Nugget Bar, Ketchikan)

(IDA sits at a bar stool, drinking beer and smoking.)

RONNY (offstage)

(RONNY'S prerecorded voice plays through p.a. system.)

I made out with a hooker once

and almost puked

from the taste of stale cum

and frank wore dresses

and chased little girls

(BILL ENTERS, drinking a beer and holding RONNY'S suitcase. He eyes IDA.)

and one day

bobby got us together

and we took frank

up to the big rock

tied him to a tree

pulled down his pants

and jabbed his little prick

with a long stick.

BILL

(pause) You live around here?

IDA

(pause) I live in Fairbanks.

BILL

(pause) So what brings you to Ketchikan?

IDA

What are you, a cop?

BILL

No... I just got--

IDA

You look like a cop.

BILL

I'm a ventriloquist.

IDA

I just had a clown at my kid's birthday... Charged me a hundred bucks, and he shows up smokin' a smelly cigar, with no clown make-up on. First thing he asked me for was a beer. I said, "Whatever you do, don't touch the kids."

BILL

I perform for adults.

IDA

After ten minutes, all the kids were throwing cake at him. My daughter started cryin' 'cause he was ruinin' the party. I gave him some money and told him to get the hell out.

BILL

I have a daughter, too.

IDA

They're cute when they're little.

BILL
She's three.

IDA

But once they start talkin', it's all downhill.

BILL

How old's yours?

IDA

What?

BILL

How old's your daughter?

IDA

(Suspiciously.) Why?

BILL

Well, I was just, uh...

IDA

She's fourteen.

BILL

And you hired a clown for her birthday party?

IDA

She kept insistin'.

BILL

That's, uh...kind of unusual, isn't it...for a fourteen year old...

IDA

She was goin' out with the guy.

BILL

Oh...well that explains it.

IDA

You ask a lot a questions, don't you?

BILL

Well, I...I don't really know anyone around here.

IDA

You lookin' for work?

BILL

I just got off the cruise ship.

IDA

You got a name?

BILL

Bill.

IDA

Ida.

(IDA shakes BILL'S hand.)

You a waiter?

BILL

No, a ventriloquist.

IDA

You got one a them...uh...what do they call 'em...

BILL

Dummies.

IDA

Right.

(GEORGE ENTERS.)

BILL

He's right over there, in the suitcase.

IDA

(IDA wants BILL to take the dummy out.)

What's he doin' in there?

BILL

Writing. (pause) But I'm gonna start doing stand-up.

IDA

I think the cannin' factory's hirin'...

GEORGE

(To self.) I'm plannin' on doin' some cannin' myself.

IDA

This is George.

BILL

How ya doin'?

(GEORGE smiles, nods, scratches himself.)

IDA

He was workin' on the cruise ship came in today.

GEORGE

I'm livin' upstairs. I got a full-size bed, a closet, a chair...

BILL

(pause) How long you been livin' in Ketchikan?

GEORGE

Why you askin' me that, man?

BILL

I didn't mean anything--

GEORGE

If I want to tell you somethin', I'll tell you. Just don't be askin' me nothin'.

IDA

(GEORGE holds up a bottle of pills, shakes them.)

What's that?

GEORGE

Medication.

IDA

I can see that. What kind is it?

GEORGE

I don't know. I can't read it.

IDA

(IDA takes bottle of pills, tries to read the label, then shows it to BILL.)

What does that say?

BILL

Erythromycin.

GEORGE

(GEORGES snatches back pills.)

I thought it was somethin' like that.

IDA

(GEORGE takes a few pills, chases them with IDA'S beer.)

I don't go outa my way to see no doctor. If I'm not well, I'm not well. I don't need no doctor to tell me that.

BILL

(pause) You know any cheap motels?

IDA

Maybe the Prospector.

GEORGE

I used to live there.

BILL

What do they charge?

GEORGE

Forget about it if you're only gonna stay a day or two. But if you pay by the week, it ain't too bad.

BILL

How're the rooms?

GEORGE

(To IDA.) I heard they were gonna close it.

IDA

They are?

GEORGE

That's what I heard.

IDA

Tillie's been there for seventeen years.

GEORGE

You know Tony got kicked out?

IDA

Pedro was tellin' me.

GEORGE

They set 'em up. I coulda tried to help him. But I seen it comin', you know, and I wasn't gonna go down with him.

IDA

What could you do?

GEORGE

Exactly. Now they got 'em in.

IDA

That's quite a story.

GEORGE

Ain't it, though?

IDA

That coulda been you.

GEORGE

I been outa there for three weeks now.

IDA

You left?

GEORGE

They got ridda me. They knew I was doin' things. But they couldn't get me. You see, I had an antenna out the window. And they thought I was pullin' drugs up through the window on a wire... Man, I wasn't doin' that. I just took my drugs in through the front door in my pocket... But they kicked me out 'cause they thought I was pullin' the shit up through the window.

BILL

(pause) I should be on my way to Vancouver right now.

IDA

(To GEORGE.) Did you give blood today?

GEORGE

Where, down at the library?

IDA

No, the community center.

GEORGE

I'll try to get down there later.

(GEORGE sticks his right hand in his pants, tries to make his testicles more comfortable. He does this periodically throughout rest of scene.)

IDA

I went this morning.

GEORGE

Down at the library they usually give you cookies.

IDA

They was givin' out sandwiches.

GEORGE

Them little sandwiches?

IDA

Yeah.

GEORGE

That's a good deal.

(The ship's horn blasts once.)

IDA

That's why I went.

GEORGE

And with a pint of blood gone, you get drunk quicker. Plus, if you got a blood disease or somethin', they call you and let you know... I gotta get down there.

IDA

I think you missed the boat.

GEORGE

Damn.

IDA

Wanna shoot some pool?

GEORGE

(pause) Yeah...

IDA

Let me go check.

(IDA EXITS.)

BILL

Where are the cue sticks?

GEORGE

Used to be a bunch of 'em hangin' up over there. But people would use 'em as clubs whenever a fight broke out.

BILL

I heard there was a lot of violence up here.

GEORGE

They used to do the same thing in the pool hall over my apartment when I lived in The Bronx.

BILL

The Bronx?

GEORGE

Lived there six years.

BILL

(GEORGE'S right hand is inside his pants; he's playing with himself.)

I was born in The Bronx.

GEORGE

Alright!

(GEORGE offers his right hand, which BILL does not shake.)

Hey, man... I give you my hand, you gotta shake it.

(They shake hands. GEORGE'S legs wobble.)

My feet feel, like, you know... Uh, what's the word?... Electric. They feel electric, man.

(GEORGE wobbles his legs a bit more. GEORGE might get on his back and make some weird movements with his torso, legs, arms, and head and then stand back up. BILL takes out quarters, counts them.)

I feel good, man. Like uh...like I'm walkin' on pillows.

(GEORGE takes his beer, pours a cross on the floor.)

IDA

(IDA ENTERS.)

We gotta wait several more games.

GEORGE

Damn.

IDA

(Pointing to the quarters in BILL'S hand.)

Mind if I put those on the table?

BILL

Well...I was gonna go call my wife.

GEORGE

Call the bitch after the game.

BILL

Here...

(IDA takes BILL'S four quarters; she steps away and pockets them. GEORGE stands and starts wobbling his legs again.)

At least I don't have to live on the ship anymore.

IDA

Them cruise liners are supposed to be pretty nice.

BILL

Yeah, if you're a passenger. (pause) I need another beer. You want one?

IDA

Maybe later.

GEORGE

I'll take one.

BILL

(To bartender, who may not be visible.)

Two more beers.

IDA

At least you had a job.

BILL

(pause) I heard the fishing boats pay pretty well.

IDA

Depends on how the salmon are runnin'. If things are good, you could make fifteen hundred a week for five, six, maybe even ten weeks.

GEORGE

(GEORGE sings.)

I got a pair of hips,

Just like two battleships...

BILL

Three more days and I would've completed my contract... But because I got fired, I gotta pay my own airfare now.

GEORGE

You oughta get me a job on one a them ships.

IDA

He said he got fired.

GEORGE

So maybe he knows somebody.

BILL

None of the deck hands are even American.

GEORGE

I ain't prejudice.

BILL

They work fifteen hour days, seven days a week...

GEORGE

Must be makin' good money...

BILL

Three hundred bucks a month.

GEORGE

Damn.

IDA

Why don' t you just go on city?

BILL

(Smiles.) I make a little bit more.

GEORGE

How much?

BILL

A thousand a week. Cash.

GEORGE

That ain't too skimpy.

BILL

But you're stuck on a ship all the time.

IDA

Maybe my sister can get you in at the cannin' factory.

GEORGE

Just don't go in too drunk, though. My friend got his pinky chopped off that way...

IDA

Sammy?

GEORGE

Yeah, and they never could find it.

IDA

Sammy thinks it turned up in some lady's sandwich in New Mexico.

GEORGE

(pause) I gotta go do my laundry. I been wearin' these clothes for the past three days... Anybody got any quarters?

IDA

(She counts out quarters in palm.)

Give me a dollar.

GEORGE

(pause) I don't got it.

IDA

Then why you askin' for change?

GEORGE

'Cause I don't got no money.

BILL

I have some quarters... Here.

(BILL hands the quarters to GEORGE.)

GEORGE

Thanks. (To bartender.) Hey, Gus. Get me a shot.

IDA

What about your laundry?

GEORGE

Fuck the laundry. I'll do it tomorrow...

IDA

You should've done it yesterday.

GEORGE

(GEORGE takes perscriptions out of his pocket.)

You see this...

IDA

What?

GEORGE

Scripts. From the clinic. And they're worth ninety...they're worth a hundred. And I'll give 'em to you for seventy.

IDA

What do I want them for?

GEORGE

Look, these aren't narcotic scripts. See...it says "controlled substance." These are worth one-twenty, and I'll give 'em to you for eighty.

IDA

You said seventy.

(BILL looks through his wallet.)

GEORGE

(pause) Alright...seventy.

IDA

What're they for?

GEORGE

Percodans. And I ain't gonna let nobody get 'em. Not even Harold.

IDA

What am I gonna do with 'em?

GEORGE

They're nice... And you can sell 'em for five bucks a pop.

(BILL looks at his watch.)

IDA

I don't know.

GEORGE

I thought I'd give you first shot...

IDA

Thanks.

GEORGE

(pause) (To BILL.) You know, all my clothes are dirty but my underwear's clean. You know why? (pause) 'Cause I don't do 'em at the laundromat... I wash 'em at home, in the kitchen sink.

BILL

The plane's leaving in forty-five minutes.

GEORGE

(To IDA.) Why don't you go see if we're up yet.

IDA

We got a while.

GEORGE

I don't like waitin'.

(IDA points to BILL'S wallet.)

IDA

Who's that?

GEORGE

Throws off my rhythm.

(GEORGE EXITS.)

BILL

My daughter.

IDA

Don't look nothin' like you.

BILL

I think I have another picture somewhere.

IDA

I always wanted to see one a them dummies up close.

BILL

I should have thrown him overboard.

IDA

C'mon, take 'em out... I'll buy you a shot... I'll even buy one for the dummy.

BILL

Ronny.

IDA

What?

BILL

His name's Ronny.

IDA

Well, why don't you get 'em outa the suitcase, and me, you, and Ronny...we'll all get stiff.

(IDA laughs. LIGHTS DIM as BILL sets up for his act, takes dummy from suitcase just before lights rise. GEORGE and IDA take their places in the audience.)

RONNY (offstage)

(RONNY'S prerecorded voice plays through a p.a. system as the actors get set for the next scene.)

a part-time whore told me

she wanted to take me home

but first she had to see my cock

and there was this bar

in old san juan

near the ships

where a fat hooker

pinched my bare thighs

till I yelled

'cause I offered her a dollar

for a blow job

and I met a dominican girl

who spit out a mouthful of white cum

which became suspended

in a plastic basin of water

in a dirt floored

two dollar

cinderblock shack

with no windows

and a curtain door

SCENE NINE

(Golden Nugget Bar.)

(The suitcase rests on a waiter's tray stand. The suitcase's hinges face the audience. BILL utilizes a microphone on a mic stand. BILL, in performance mode, is in the midst of performing his act. GEORGE and IDA sit in the audience area of the theater. We hear audience laughter. LIGHTS RISE.)

RONNY

You know, Ida's from up north.

IDA
That's right, baby.

RONNY
And I...I think she's a lesbian Eskimo... A Klondike.

BILL

Just leave Ida alone.

RONNY

She loves it.

(RONNY looks at IDA, makes kissing sounds.)

Mmmmmm, you lookin' good, girl.

BILL

Stop bothering her.

RONNY

You want me to pick on someone else in the bar?

BILL

No.

RONNY

Hey, there, baby...

(RONNY looks at the woman, makes kissing sounds.)

BILL

Who are you talking to now?

RONNY

The lady in the red dress [or mention some other distinguishing feature, i.e., hair, seating position, etc.]. Hey, what's your name? What? Judy? [or whatever the name is; if she doesn't give her name, don't use her name]. I love you.

BILL

Now leave Judy alone.

RONNY

Do you like me? Do you like birds? Yeah? Wanna see my woodpecker?

BILL

You're going to put her in a awkward position.

RONNY

No. That comes later.

BILL

Ronny.

RONNY

Hey, Judy, do you know the difference between sex and French toast? No? Wanna have breakfast?

BILL

Ronny.

RONNY

(To Woman.) You wanna have a good time? Do you?

BILL

You've already had your good time.

RONNY

How much do I owe her?

BILL

(Angrily.) I swear to God, if you keep acting this way, I'm putting you back in the suitcase.

RONNY

You can't.

BILL

Then cut it out.

GEORGE

Hey, leave the little guy alone.

RONNY

Thank you.

GEORGE

(GEORGE stands.)

Hey, I got one... You...you know, Dolly Parton...when she takes a shower...her feet don't get wet.

(GEORGE laughs.)

Wait, wait. I got another one...

RONNY

Here's my imitation of George givin' his first blow job.

(RONNY repeatedly moves his head and torso up and down.)

GEORGE

So this drunk, he goes up to St. Peter, at the pearly gates--

RONNY

Shut the fuck up.

GEORGE
Hey, I'm just tryin' to--

RONNY

What's your name, pal?

GEORGE

George.

RONNY

Hey, George, do I bother you when you're workin'? Do I come by when you're standin' in the kitchen at McDonald's...and knock the broom outa your hands? Do I come by when you're on your knees in a public toilet and slap the dicks outa your mouth?

GEORGE

Alright, alright...

BILL

You are going back in the suitcase.

RONNY

I'll behave. I promise.

BILL

You can't keep talking this way.

RONNY

I won't.

BILL

You can't.

RONNY

I said I won't... Now...now can you look at me?

(BILL doesn't look at RONNY.)

BILL

You can't be getting everyone angry.

RONNY

I'm sorry.

BILL

(pause) Alright.

RONNY

Now can you look at me... Please...

BILL

What?

(BILL looks at RONNY, who spits in BILL'S face.)

BILL

That's it.

RONNY

I couldn't help it. I sneezed.

BILL

You're going in the suitcase.

RONNY

I oughta put your ass in there.

(BILL puts RONNY in the open suitcase; RONNY is laying on his back, his legs are hanging over the side.)

BILL

Now just be quiet.

RONNY

No.

BILL

They don't wanna listen to anymore of your--

RONNY

Get me outa here, goddamn it... C'mon...

(They struggle. RONNY tries to sit up; his head is visible to the audience. BILL pushes him back down.)

BILL

Get in there.

RONNY

(BILL picks up RONNY'S left leg carefully, folding it back into suitcase.)

Get me the hell outa here.

BILL
I said to be quiet.

(BILL slams suitcase shut on RONNY'S right leg.)

RONNY

(Muffled voice.) Owww... My leg, my leg.

BILL

(BILL opens the suitcase.)

Sorry.

RONNY

You jack ass.

BILL

(BILL holds out RONNY'S extended right leg.)

What did you say?

RONNY

Nothin', nothin'.

(BILL tries to put RONNY'S leg in suitcase. RONNY resists.)

BILL

Put your damn leg in the suitcase.

RONNY

(Softly.) Asshole.

BILL

You've had it.

RONNY

(BILL twists RONNY'S leg around several times.)

Ah, ahhh... Ah, shit!

BILL

Now just be quiet.

(BILL puts RONNY'S remaining leg in the suitcase, slams the lid shut.)

RONNY

(Muffled voice.) Hey, let me outa here. Let me out.

(BILL opens the suitcase.)

(Non-muffled voice.) Let me outa the damn case.

(BILL closes he suitcase after "the"; RONNY then speaks in a muffled voice.)

BILL

Shut up.

RONNY

(RONNY speaks in a muffled voice whenever he's inside the closed suitcase.)

Just get me the hell outa here. C'mon, let me out, man. I can't...

(Audience can see RONNY'S face.)

(Non-muffled voice.) I can't breathe... C'mon.

BILL

(BILL holds up his hand.)

Are you gonna shut up? Are you?

RONNY

Yes... (Softly.) Jerk-off.

(The audience sees BILL slap RONNY in the face.)

(pause) Blow me...you no talent hack.

(BILL pushes RONNY back down into the suitcase and then pulls RONNY'S head out of its socket, so that audience sees the entire head and headstick. The head opens its mouth, screams in pain. BILL covers RONNY'S screaming mouth with his hand, seemingly suffocating RONNY. BILL then quickly returns the head to its body inside the suitcase. RONNY, hidden by the open half of the suitcase, is not visible to the audience.)

BILL

(BILL goes into a solo routine. A bit uncomfortable on-stage without RONNY, BILL often laughs at his own jokes.)

I, uh...I'm from New York.

RONNY (from suitcase)

You're never gonna make it on your own, man.

(BILL closes the suitcase.)

BILL

Anybody here from New York?

(GEORGE claps.)

Can I get a ride home after the show?

IDA

(To GEORGE.) He was a feisty little bugger, wasn't he?

(BILL continues his act as IDA speaks.)

BILL

Actually, I haven't been home in about five months, but I spoke with my wife just...just the other day.

GEORGE

Bring back the little guy.

BILL

She said, "I wasn't gonna tell you this, Billy, but last night, at five in the morning, a burglar broke in." I said, "Oh my God! Did he get anything?" She said, "Yeah...but I thought it was you."

GEORGE
(GEORGE says the punchline more or less in synch with BILL.)

"Yeah...but I thought it was you."

(GEORGE laughs.)

BILL

Hey, why don't...why don't we take turns telling jokes. First I'll stand up here and tell my joke. And then you...you can stand up and...show us yours.

GEORGE

(GEORGE stands.)

You really wanna see it, pal?

BILL

Right before dinner one night, I...I was laying on the couch and I started yelling in my sleep...

GEORGE

You do, don't 'ya?

BILL

My daughter woke me up. She said, "Daddy, what's the matter." I said, "I..I don't know... I dreamed I was dead." She said, "What woke you up, the intense heat?"

IDA

He was funnier before.

(BILL continues talking as IDA speaks.)

BILL

My wife tried to make meatloaf once. It was practically raw. I said to her, "You know, if you knew how to cook, we could fire the chef."

IDA

(BILL continues performing as IDA speaks loudly to GEORGE.)

Why ain't he usin' the dummy no more?

BILL

She said, "If you knew how to fuck, we could fire the dummy. I mean...fire the gardener... The gardener..."

(BILL laughs, desperately, as IDA begins to EXIT. He tries to close show on upbeat note.)

Thank you, Ketchikan! Goodnight!

(BILL silently packs up his equipment, puts away microphone and stand, as IDA crosses the stage and EXITS to the offstage billiard room.)

GEORGE

(Eventually, GEORGE ENTERS the stage area from the audience.)

Hey, I, uh...I was tryin' to help you out with them jokes there.

BILL

Yeah, well, uh...thanks.

GEORGE

Man, you gotta take 'em back outa the suitcase.

BILL

Ronny's done for the day.

GEORGE

I ain't laughed so hard since my brother Petey came home drunk one night when we was all asleep, thought he was in the bathroom, pulled it out--right there in the middle of the parlor--and pissed all over my grandmother.

(GEORGE laughs.)

BILL

That's one thing he hasn't done yet--

GEORGE

That was hilarious when, uh...the dummy told Ida to show 'em her tits.

BILL
You think she got upset?

GEORGE

Upset? She licked that shit up. Get 'em back out here. I'll buy 'em a beer.

BILL
I thought you didn't have any money.

GEORGE

We can pass the hat. (pause) Them...them are good for pickin' up girls, aren't they?

BILL
What?

GEORGE

Dummies.

BILL

I'd like to start workin' without a dummy.

GEORGE

I think I'm gonna get me one a them...but I'm married... But what the hell... I'm gonna get me one a them dummies, man... How much you take for that one?

BILL

(pause) Two thousand bucks.

GEORGE

What!?

BILL

That's what they cost.

GEORGE

For two grand I can fly to Thailand and get me a real kid.

BILL

Well, he thinks he's real...

GEORGE

(pause) You wanna do a shot?

BILL

Sure.

GEORGE

(pause) I don't got no money.

(IDA ENTERS.)

BILL

I'll get it.

GEORGE

(To bartender.) Two more shots.

(GEORGE makes sign of the cross on the floor with his beer again.)

IDA

We gotta wait about three more games.

GEORGE

Aw, damn.

BILL

I should've just joined the fucking marines.

IDA

You're lucky cannin' season's comin' up.

BILL
(Angrily.) Why would I care about canning season?

IDA

You're a mean drunk, ain't you?

BILL

I wish I was drunk.

GEORGE

I think the dummy can hold it better than him.

IDA

I'll betcha you get real nasty.

GEORGE

Sometimes you're better off that way.

IDA

(pause) You any good at pool?

BILL

Not bad...

GEORGE

I haven't shot pool since Hinckley shot Reagan.

IDA

Why don't you two play? I'll watch.

GEORGE

I don't even know if I remember how to hold the stick.

IDA

What do you wanna wager?

BILL

I don't gamble.

IDA

How 'bout two hundred bucks?

BILL

That seems kinda high--

IDA

A buck and a half. It'll make the game interestin'.

BILL

(pause) How about a hundred?

IDA

That sound fair, George?

GEORGE

What?

IDA

You wanna play 'em for a hundred?

GEORGE

(To IDA.) Why not?

BILL

(Long pause.)

It's pretty quiet around here.

GEORGE

It ain't even three o'clock yet.

IDA

This ain't nothin' like New York.

BILL

There aren't as many whores.

GEORGE

There're more than you think.

IDA

You oughta try Anchorage.

BILL

(pause) Last time I was in New York I got ripped off by a hooker.

GEORGE

My wife used to be a hooker.

BILL

(Note: consider having ROSE, in Act I, resemble the person described here.)

Next thing I knew, I was waking up in my car, under a street light, not far from the Hudson River. The sun was starting to come up over Manhattan, and the street was empty, except for this...person with long, frizzy hair...in a short red skirt, about a hundred feet away. I started the car, pulled out real slowly, in her direction, and she walked out into the middle of the street, starin' at me and smilin'. Then she stopped, licked her bright red lips, stroked her breast, rubbed her crotch, and then she turned and showed me her bare ass, and I put the pedal to the floor and her frail body landed on the hood and her pock-marked face pressed against the windshield as her eyes met mine for a long second before she slid off the car, back onto the street.

IDA

Guys think that just 'cause a woman's a whore they can do whatever the hell they want to her. But that ain't fair. I don't care how much money you're payin' her.

(IDA EXITS to room with pool table.)

GEORGE

My wife used to make some pretty good coin. But it all went up her nose.

BILL

How could you let your wife be a hooker?

GEORGE

(pause) What do you think your wife's doin' right now?

BILL

Probably, um...pickin' up my daughter at daycare.

GEORGE

(IDA ENTERS.)

I thought you was flyin' home this afternoon...

BILL

(BILL looks towards the off-stage billiard room.)

I think I'm gonna stay in Ketchikan for a while.

IDA
I wouldn't leave that suitcase there. Somebody might take it.

BILL

I don't know where else to put it.

IDA

You could keep it in my tent.

BILL

You live in a tent?

IDA

I come down here to can fish for a few weeks. What am I gonna do, build a raised ranch?

BILL

Where's you car?

IDA

The tent's right across the street, next to the dock. Get your stuff.

(BILL picks up suitcase.)

GEORGE

What about our game a pool?

IDA

We'll be right back.

GEORGE

(To BILL.) You ain't gettin' cold feet now...

IDA

You could play later.

GEORGE

I wanna play now.

BILL

I'll be back in a few minutes.

GEORGE

A bet's a bet, buddy.

IDA

Let 'em put his suitcase away.

GEORGE

Prob'ly ain't even good for the money.

BILL

I piss a hundred dollars.

GEORGE

Then why you tryin' to stiff me?

IDA

(To BILL.) Gimme the hundred... I'll hold the bet.

BILL

Then he has to give you a hundred.

GEORGE

Hey, I'm good for the money...

BILL

You can't even buy a drink.

IDA
(To BILL.) He can't show the money, you don't play.

BILL

He's gotta show it right now.

GEORGE

Then you gotta play me right now, motherfucker.

BILL

(pause) Fine.

GEORGE

I'll be back in five minutes. And your wallet better be out, man, soon as I get back.

(GEORGE EXITS.)

BILL
Let's go put the suitcase away.

IDA
I don't want George comin' after me, so...so you better gimme the money.

BILL

Why's he gonna come after you?

IDA
Maybe we should get another drink.

BILL

No.

IDA

There's nothin' to worry about, okay? I'm just holdin' the bet.

BILL

Why?

CINDY

Because...that's how they always do it here...

BILL

I don't know...

IDA

You know I ain't goin' nowhere.

(IDA kisses BILL.)

Not as long as I've got somebody as hot as you.

(IDA shoves her tongue into BILL'S mouth.)

But I can't afford to be gettin' on George's bad side, okay? I mean, I'm just gonna hold it.

BILL

(pause) Here.

(BILL gives her the cash, a bruising kiss. BILL picks up suitcase, begins to EXIT with his arm around IDA. He stops, kisses her again.)

IDA

Don't do that in here. They'll think I'm a slut.

BILL
(BILL takes out blotter acid.)

I wanna give you somethin'.

IDA

(pause) A little gift?

BILL

Open your mouth and...hold back your tongue.

IDA

For what?

BILL

I have some, uh...blotter.

IDA

Acid?

BILL

It's...it's really mild.

IDA

You have some for yourself, right?

(BILL holds it out.)

BILL

Two tabs.

IDA

Let me put it in your mouth.

BILL

You go first.

IDA

(pause) Okay.

(IDA opens her mouth. BILL places a hit of blotter acid in her mouth, which she keeps under her tongue. IDA then holds out her hand, and BILL places the remaining tab of blotter in it.)

BILL

This is going to be fun.

IDA

Now open your mouth and close your eyes...close 'em.

BILL

Why?

(BILL closes his eyes, opens his mouth.)

IDA

And Ida will give you a big surprise.

(IDA takes the tab of blotter from her mouth, and places both tabs in BILL'S mouth. IDA kisses him.)

How do you feel?

BILL

Much better with my arms around you.

IDA

It's prob'ly gonna take a while to kick in.

BILL

Let's go.

(BILL and IDA EXIT. The ship's horn blasts two times.)

RONNY (offstage)

(RONNY'S prerecorded voice plays through p.a. system.)

in the oceanic bar

i met a whore who

who spoke unbroken english

and she told me she left New York

six months ago

'cause it was too expensive

and now she was workin'

and she wasn't really a hustler

but she had to make a few bucks

to support her kid

and i went back to my cabin

thinking she was pretty normal

and the next week

when i got off the ship

i saw her standing

across the street

and as I walked towards her

she bent slightly forward

and a wide, arcing

yellow stream

exploded through her mouth

and landed on the sidewalk

steaming.

SCENE TEN

(A canvas tent.)

(BILL and IDA lay together on a large cot, under a blanket. BILL awkwardly kisses her. Stops.)

BILL

(pause) Sometimes it's...it's best to get to know each other first.

IDA

You seem so different now...

BILL
What do you mean?

IDA

Back in the bar, you were really funny... And the way you were comin' on to me...

BILL
Ronny was coming on to you.

IDA

Well, it's you that was talkin'.

BILL

Not once Ronny came out.

IDA
He don't talk by himself.

BILL

I used to...to talk a lot more...I mean, in our act--and even outside of it--but people wanted to hear Ronny. And then he started talking more, and more...till it got to the point where once he's outa the suitcase, I more or less end up just standing there, watching him perform. When I'm home, my wife won't even let me take him out anymore.

(BILL tries to be a bit more physically aggressive, inadvertently increasing the awkwardness of the moment.)

IDA
(pause) Let me talk to Ronny.

BILL

Maybe afterwards.

IDA
After what?

RONNY

(Muffled voice, from under blanket.)

You know she wants me.

(IDA laughs.)

IDA

Where is he?

RONNY

(Muffled voice.)

Under the blanket...

BILL

The blanket?

RONNY

(Muffled voice.)

I wanna suck your toes, baby.

IDA

Mmmmmm.

BILL

Shut up.

RONNY

(Muffled voice.)

Get me out from under the blanket or I'm gonna bite off your fuckin' dick.

(IDA laughs.)

BILL

I'm...I'm sorry. I really am.

IDA

Let me talk to 'em.

BILL

I'm...I'm gonna go put him back in the suitcase.

IDA

Why don't we just go back to the bar.

BILL

Well, I, uh--

IDA

George is waitin' to play pool with you.

(IDA begins to get up, BILL takes out RONNY.)

RONNY

(To IDA.) Hey, how you feelin', sugar?

BILL

What the hell are you doing under there?

RONNY

Why don't you get ridda that zero and go out with a hero.

BILL

(To RONNY.) Ronny.

RONNY

You lookin' fine, baby.

IDA

You think so?

RONNY

(RONNY may appear to be masturbating under the covers.)

Oh, Ida, you're gettin' me so hard. We're talkin' Louisville Slugger. 36 inches.

BILL

Ronny, stop it!

RONNY

And I just love your tits.

BILL

You're embarrassing her.

IDA

No he's not.

RONNY

You got amazin' boobs, baby. You mind if I get a closer look?

(RONNY'S head is under the covers. His head moves back and forth over IDA'S breasts. RONNY makes sounds associated with pleasure. RONNY goes down between her legs, remaining under the blanket. While under the blanket, his voice remains muffled.)

And what's down here?

(IDA laughs.)

You like that? Hah?

IDA

Ummm...

BILL

(To RONNY.) What the hell's wrong with you?

IDA

(To BILL.) Aren't you gonna join us?

RONNY

Let him watch.

(RONNY'S head appears from under blankets. His voice is no longer muffled.)

How 'bout I shove my big stick up your honey hole? You like that, girl? We'll roll around on the rug fuckin' and, and...

(RONNY suddenly stops moving. BILL speaks in RONNY'S voice.)

BILL

...and suckin'...till the sun comes up. You like that, girl?

IDA

(To BILL.) I...I think so...

BILL

(BILL continues to speak in RONNY'S voice.)

Do you? Do you?

IDA

With you...right?

BILL

(BILL smiles, speaks in RONNY'S voice again.)

Who else?

(BILL gets physically aggressive, continues speaking in RONNY'S voice.)

Oh, this is gonna be so goddamn good... Oh...oh, my god. Oh, oh...

(IDA breaks away.)

IDA

You're fucked up.

BILL

(BILL speaks in RONNY'S voice.)

I, uh...

(BILL speaks in his own voice.)

I was only kiddin'.

IDA

Well, it's not funny.

BILL

I...I thought you wanted to be with me.

IDA

With you. Not fuckin' Howdy Doody.

(IDA EXITS.)

RONNY

Fuck her.

BILL

(pause) Goddamn it!

RONNY

(BILL manipulates RONNY.)

(pause) You still wanna get your rocks off, don't you?

BILL

Well...I did.

RONNY

You still can.

BILL

She's got my hundred bucks.

RONNY

Look at me...

(BILL glances at RONNY.)

BILL

For what.

RONNY

Look me in the eye.

(BILL does so.)

I want to help you.

BILL

You're not even real.

RONNY

I'm as real as anything else.

BILL

You are not real.

RONNY

Then nothing's real.

BILL

I'm real.

RONNY

(RONNY laughs.)

Prove it.

BILL

(BILL searches for wallet.)

Where's my fucking wallet?

(RONNY laughs.)

Fuck! You know, if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't even be here. We would've never been fired.

RONNY

"Fired"?

BILL

She took my fucking wallet.

RONNY

Who was fired?

BILL
Us.

RONNY

We'll be back on the ship in ten minutes.

BILL

The ship's gone.

RONNY

We've got fifteen minutes till they pull up the gangway.

BILL

What, are you crazy? The ship left hours ago.

RONNY

You are fucked up.

BILL

I'll...I'll have to call my wife now...for a goddamn plane ticket...

(GEORGE, unseen by BILL, ENTERS at "now.")

GEORGE

Hey. What are you doin' in my fuckin' tent?

BILL

(GEORGE is looking for something.)

Well, I...uhhh... I, uh...came here with Ida.

GEORGE

Ida's been at the Golden Nugget all day.

BILL

I was just here for a few minutes, and, uh...

RONNY

We were just leavin'...

BILL

Why don't we, uh...go back and, uh, play that game of pool?

GEORGE

Where's my stash?

BILL

I...I don't know.

GEORGE
It was right here...

BILL

I didn't touch anything, I swear.

RONNY

Neither did I.

GEORGE

Where's my stash, goddamn it?

BILL

I...I have no idea...really. But...but Ida was just here and she--

GEORGE

What were you doin' with Ida?

RONNY

He wasn't doin' nothin'.

BILL

I wasn't.

RONNY

He couldn't... So I was gonna fuck her.

GEORGE

You?

(GEORGE laughs.)

You ain't got nothin' between your legs.

RONNY

Yeah, I do. And I can prove it.

GEORGE

How?

RONNY

I'll give you a quarter. Go call your wife.

GEORGE

Son of a bitch.

BILL

(To RONNY.) What did you say that for?

RONNY

He's gonna kick your ass, not mine.

BILL

He, uh...he didn't mean that.

RONNY

Yes I did.

GEORGE

My wife's doin' time.

BILL

I'm...I'm sorry to hear that.

GEORGE

But that don't mean there ain't people who can't take her place once in a while.

RONNY

We...we didn't lay a hand on Ida. Cross my heart and hope to die.

GEORGE

Give me the fuckin' puppet.

BILL

I...I don't usually let anyone else use him.

GEORGE

Give 'em to me!

BILL

We...we oughta go shoot some pool now.

(GEORGE grabs RONNY, eventually rips him away from BILL.)

GEORGE

(To RONNY.) You're a little cocksucker, aren't you? Aren't you?

(GEORGE makes RONNY nod his head and say "Yeah.")

(To RONNY.) Whadda you and your friend do when you're alone together?

(GEORGE makes RONNY say "Fuck." GEORGE laughs hard.)

(To RONNY.) You wanna get on me?

(GEORGE makes RONNY nod his head and say "Yeah.")

I thought so. Now go ahead. Get on me... (pause) Well, what are you waitin' for?

(To BILL.)

Get on me.

BILL

What?

GEORGE

Get on me.

BILL

I...I don't understand.

GEORGE

You're gonna give me head.

BILL

I...I don't think I can do that.

GEORGE

(To RONNY.) You've done it before, haven't you?

(GEORGE makes RONNY nod and say "Yes.")

(To BILL.) So you can do it again.

BILL

I...I don't do that.

GEORGE

I catch you fuckin' around in my tent, you do what the fuck I say.

RONNY
(BILL produces RONNY'S voice ventriloquially.)

Fuck you.

GEORGE

(GEORGE holds up his fist.)

You want me to break his head open?

BILL

No. No!

GEORGE

(GEORGE raises the dummy up over his head, acting as if he's about to destroy it.)

You want me to step outside and smash 'em to a pulp against the fuckin' rocks?

BILL

Let me put 'em in the suitcase. Please. I can't afford to have--

GEORGE

Get on your knees.

BILL

Why don't we just play pool.

GEORGE

Get on your fuckin' knees or, I swear on my mother's grave, I'll break the fuckin' dummy over your fuckin' skull.

(BILL begins to get down on his knees.)

BILL

If you could just put him down--

GEORGE

Now!

(BILL is kneeling. GEORGE unzips his pants.)

And you do what the fuck I say and you do it right...bitch.

(GEORGE pulls BILL'S head towards him. BLACKOUT. RONNY is placed in his downstage (far-right or far-left) seat, where he remains through the end of the play.)

SCENE ELEVEN

(Limbo.)

(Carnivalesque music plays. BILL's voice becomes increasingly hoarse. The various characters circle around BILL as they quickly change costumes, wigs, etc. onstage.)

MEL

I think I'll have a vodka and coke.

BILL

(To IDA, who circles around BILL.)

You...you took my money.

(BILL is ignored, as if he doesn't exist.)

MEL

(To IDA.) And what would you like, love?

BILL

(To IDA.) Give me my hundred dollars back, goddamn it!

MEL

Why don't we go somewhere that's a bit more civilized?

(They begin to EXIT, arm in arm.)

BILL

(To IDA.) And give me my wallet or I'm gonna fuckin' kill you.

(MEL and IDA EXIT. Eventually, ROSE ENTERS, then GEORGE.)

BILL

Where's the dummy?

(GEORGE acts as if BILL is not there.)

Where's my fuckin' dummy?

GEORGE

(To ROSE.) Hey there, gorgeous.

ROSE

You wanna go out?

GEORGE

We can go upstairs. I got a full-size bed... C'mon.

ROSE

Aren't you going to give me a present first?

GEORGE

Like what?

ROSE

(pause) Portraits of dead presidents.

GEORGE

(pause) No problem.

(They EXIT together. BILL shouts in GEORGE'S direction.)

BILL

Where the hell is Ronny! Where is he, goddamn it?

(RALPH, holding a cue stick, ENTERS, behind BILL, who doesn't see him at first. RALPH gets BILL'S attention by playfully touching BILL'S anus and/or genitals with the cue stick.)

RALPH

How you doin' there, butch?

BILL

Huh?

RALPH

Why don't I break.

BILL

I'm not gonna get ripped off again.

RALPH

I'll give you a hundred, sailor.

BILL

RALPH

Five hundred.

BILL

I'm not for sale.

(RALPH gives cue stick to BILL, sends a kiss to him.)

RALPH

Everyone's for sale.

(RALPH EXITS, BILL is beginning to fall asleep. Eventually, CINDY ENTERS, with a great deal of urgency. BILL'S voice is extremely hoarse. As CINDY speaks she puts a thick S&M collar around BILL'S neck, applies red lipstick around his lips.)

CINDY

Let's go, you've gotta be onstage in fifteen minutes.

BILL

Stage?

CINDY

C'mon.

BILL

Wuh...where?

CINDY

Show Palace.

BILL

Show Palace?

CINDY

C'mon. You've got a show to do.

BILL

But my voice, I...I can't perform with my voice like this.

CINDY

You don't need your voice.

BILL
And my dummy...Ronny... I...I don't know where he is, I...

CINDY

It doesn't matter. We have to hurry.

BILL

I...uh...but...with no voice, no...no dummy...what...what am i gonna do?

CINDY

Fuck!

(CINDY grabs BILL'S collar and throws him to the ground, away from RONNY; she EXITS. The ship's horn blasts three times. SPOTLIGHT on RONNY.)

RONNY

(RONNY performs solo. FROSTY, concealed, manipulates RONNY while providing RONNY'S voice, which should be very similar to the voice that RONNY utilizes throughout the play.)

i'm in ketchikan alaska

on the tail end

of a five day binge

i meet an indian woman

full of scotch and beer

who hasn't slept in two nights

a junky with needle marks

up and down his arms

we all get smashed

and i try to fuck the indian

in a canvas tent

(BILL picks up a big rock. Staggering, he approaches RONNY.)

play the junky

in a game of pool

BILL

Hey!

RONNY

the junky pukes his guts out

(BILL dry-heaves; he is close to passing out.)

on top of the dead fish

floating in the harbor.

BILL

(BILL is about to throw the rock at RONNY'S head.)

I...I'm not gonna let you do this to me.

(RONNY pulls out a gun and blows BILL away. RONNY laughs. NOTE: a gong sound is utilized for the gunshot noise here and throughout the epilogue.)

EPILOGUE

(CINDY, wearing a cowboy hat, plays FROSTY, whom she imitates, intensifies.)

FROSTY/CINDY

(FROSTY/CINDY ENTERS, notices the corpse.)

What's this?

RONNY

I, uh...I didn't do it.

FROSTY/CINDY

It doesn't matter.

RONNY

But I didn't do nothin'. I...I swear to God.

FROSTY/CINDY
The people need him like a woman needs a penis.

RONNY

That's...that's what I've always said... Who needs him?

FROSTY/CINDY

Wasn't able to maintain control.

RONNY
Exactly.

FROSTY/CINDY

Boy, y'all got a voice that would drive a wolf to suicide.

RONNY

A sheep in wolf's clothing.

FROSTY/CINDY

And you got a face that looks like the east end of a west-bound jackass. So why don't y'all just turn it around and shut your yap.

RONNY

Right now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna attempt to sing...in not one voice...not two...but in three...three voices at once.

FROSTY/CINDY

If you don't shut up, y'all are gonna be as full a holes as a cabbage leaf after a hail storm...

RONNY

You ain't the one in control here, man.

FROSTY/CINDY

(To audience.) Now in conclusion, let me ask each and every one of you: How are things with you, my friend, and what do you intend to do with this admonition?

Do y'all wanna ruin yourself, leavin' your hide on the fence in order to please frivolous and unprincipled people? Or do y'all wanna remain in the corral by joinin' forces with pure, noble men, whose company will elevate your soul and harden your will to struggle against everything vile?

Now when temptation comes a callin' in glowin' allurement, when the blazin' fires of sensual pleasure shoot forth, the weak are none too careful 'bout what they go throwin' their ropes at. Which is why you must master your base drives. And unless you're as blind as a rattlesnake in August, y'all understand that through our great leader even a will paralyzed in the service of sin can become firm again and resurrected to freedom...the freedom of the whole...and successfully stand the life-threatening struggle of a sinful, divided self.

RONNY

If I can do three voices at once, will you give me a standin' ovation? Will you?

FROSTY/CINDY

Boy, you're gettin' near enough to hell to smell the smoke.

(To audience.)

Now there's still hope for y'all, as long as you submit to our leader and stay focused on the whole.

RONNY

You wouldn't know what to do with a hole if you fell in one.

FROSTY/CINDY

Boy, you are close to an asshole.

RONNY

Keep your mouth shut, nobody'll notice.

FROSTY/CINDY

(FROSTY/CINDY pulls out a concealed gun and gets ready to blow RONNY away.)

Hot words lead to cold slabs.

(FROSTY/CINDY turns to shoot RONNY, who suddenly blows FROSTY/CINDY) away. As the character drops to the ground, the cowboy hat falls off.)

RONNY (eventually with CINDY and BILL)

A little music please...

(Music plays. RONNY sings as BILL and then CINDY slowly arise.)

Ah, Sun-flower! weary of time,

Who countest the steps of the sun,

Seeking after that sweet golden clime,

Where the traveller's journey is done:

Where the Youth pined away with desire,

And the pale Virgin shrouded in snow,

(RONNY stops moving, singing. FROSTY ENTERS, with six-shooters, from behind the flat which is behind RONNY.)

Arise from their graves and aspire,

Where my Sun-flower wishes to go.

(FROSTY blows BILL and CINDY away. The music stops.)

FROSTY

(The bracketed lines are optional.)

Once you're dead you gotta stay dead, goddamn it...

(FROSTY puts on the cowboy hat.)

As I said before, brothers, y'all are either with us or against us. But tonight...as the holy spirit of the holy whole was joinin' y'all together in laughter and song...y'all showed that y'all are ready to stand together. Tall, hard. Undivided. Now as long as y'all can keep the lower-half in check, exterminate divisiveness...[eliminate the unruly, the evil-doers... Smoke 'em outa their holes...] Y'all are gonna be whole, feel whole, be a part of the whole.

(FROSTY crosses himself, in what begins as a solemn ritual. He begins to feel his body, his muscles, expanding, becoming bigger and stronger at an increasingly frenetic pace every time he says the word "Whole." As his strength intensifies and becomes super-human, FROSTY speaks more and more forcefully.)

In the name of the Father...and the Son...and the Holy Whole, amen... In the Whole we trust... So demand the Whole... One Nation, under the Whole, indvisible, with liberty and justice for the Whole...

(He gradually becomes Uber-Man, believes that he's more powerful than the entire universe.)

So give us the Whole,

our daily Whole.

And make sure that

you stay Whole.

Below the One

on Top of the Whole.

Without holes.

And give me the Whole,

the Holy Whole.

The Whole of all Wholes.

In which I'm gonna stand

Tall and Hard and Whole

and Holier than the Whole

within the (W)hole.

(With pistol in hand, FROSTY makes repeated Nazi-type salutes.)

Just give me

the fuckin' (W)hole

and I'll fuck the world!

RONNY

(RONNY is manipulated by a concealed stagehand.)

Frosty.

(FROSTY looks at BILL's corpse.)

Oh, Frosty...

(FROSTY shoots BILL's corpse.)

Over here.

(FROSTY turns towards RONNY, who laughs. FROSTY, extremely anxious at first, suddenly thinks of a solution, smiles. LIGHTS QUICKLY FADE TO BLACK. We hear a nuclear explosion. Or, LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK as FROSTY frets – and we do not see him smile, nor do we hear a nuclear explosion. Right before the song, you might play a prerecorded quote, such as the following spoken by George W. Bush: "If we wait for threats to fully materialize, we have waited too long." LIGHTS UP. The actors walk to downstage center, sing.)

ALL

("The Pinocchio Song.")

There once was a boy named Pinocchio,

Who thought that life should be fun,

So he ran away to the carnival,

Where his days were almost undone.

Now you must walk away from pleasure,

Put your life on an even keel,

Get up, go to work; always say, "Yes, sir!"

'Cause submission is what makes you real.

(The last line of the song may be spoken, sans music.)

FINIS.

Performance Index

August 2011

Rick Mitchell

Rick Mitchell, the author of over twenty plays, has had his work performed throughout the US and Europe. His published plays include Brecht in L.A. (winner of two national playwriting awards) and Disaster Capitalism; or Money Can't Buy You Love: Three Plays. Additionally, he regularly publishes scholarly and/or genre-blurring work that engages with performance, culture, and the everyday. A Professor of English at California State University, Northridge, Mitchell formerly made his living as a ventriloquist/comedian, a profession to which he recently returned (under a slightly revised moniker). He lives in Los Angeles.

ekleksographia

Presented by Ahadada Books

Ventriloquist Sex

A Dark Comedy

Performance Index

Rick Mitchell